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Parents have the greatest privilege of their lives in front of them every day: raising their children. Pointing their children to Christ, modeling the Gospel, and talking about God’s grace shouldn’t be a burden. It is a privilege. ApParent Privilege provides biblical understanding and up-to-the minute research to encourage parents in the unparalleled opportunity they have to be the primary influencers of their children. This book presents parents with a biblical framework for parenting within both the family and the church. Put this book in the hands of parents to better equip them to pass on a legacy of faith to their children.

Is student ministry accomplishing what we think it is? Roughly two-thirds of students leave the church after graduation. Baptisms are down. Student pastors are walking away from ministry at startling rates. It’s time to rethink student ministry. This book pairs the most up-to-date research available with an overview of a Biblical framework for ministry. It will arm you with facts, Scripture, and real-life ideas that will help you find new ways to involve parents back into the equation and help you escape the busy, bigger-and-better, number-driven model of student ministry. Purchase reThink By: Steve Wright

A book that should be in the library of every Pastors wife. Author Tina Wright combines 134 survey responses and her twenty years of experience as a minister’s wife to present an honest, probing look into the life of women serving alongside their husbands in ministry. Issues addressed include criticism, loneliness, expectations, genuine friendships and meeting husbands’ needs. Help! I’m a Minister’s Wife is a book designed to encourage your wife in her role as well as strengthen your marriage and ministry. Purchase Help! I'm A Minister's Wife By: Tina Wright


Articles to encourage Parents

Are Teens Listening?

By Steve Wright

“Will you listen to me?” “Be quiet and listen.” “You’re such a typical teen; you never listen.”

Parents know the frustrations of raising teens who they wish would listen to them. Many parents are discouraged because what they say blows right past their teens most of the time… or so they think. Before you assume too quickly that teens don’t listen to mom and dad, look at what the research is telling us.

An extensive study of 272,400 teenagers conducted by USA Today Weekend Magazine found that 70 percent of teens identified their parents as the most important influence in their lives. Twenty-one percent said that about their friends (peers), and only 8 percent named the media. 1 This study obviously contradicts cultural misconceptions that peers and media are the primary driving force for teens. Teens are listening.

An important article in TIME magazine says that teens are hungry for dinnertime with the family. Miriam Weinstein says, “We've sold ourselves on the idea that teenagers are obviously sick of their families, that they're bonded to their peer group. We've taken it to an extreme. We've taken it to mean that a teenager has no need for his family. And that's just not true.” 2 The article continues to say, “Parents may be undervaluing themselves when they conclude that sending kids off to every conceivable extracurricular activity is a better use of time than an hour spent around a table, just talking to Mom and Dad.” 3

It is a fact that when families eat dinner together kids are less likely to drink, smoke, use drugs, have an eating disorder, get depressed, consider suicide, fail at school, or have sex.4 All that accomplished through time spent talking with mom and dad over dinner. How can dinner be that powerful? It’s because teens are listening.

An Associated Press/MTV study states, “So you’re between the ages of 13 and 24. What makes you happy? A worried, weary parent might imagine the answer to sound something like this: Sex, drugs, a little rock „n‟ roll. Maybe some cash, or at least the car keys. Turns out the real answer is quite different. Spending time with family was the top answer to that open-ended question.... Parents are seen as an overwhelmingly positive influence in the lives of most young people. Remarkably, nearly half of teens mention at least one of their parents as a hero.” 5

Not enough to convince you that teens are listening? Here is what the experts say:

· The Barna Research Group found, “Eighty-five percent of parents with children under the age 13 believe they have primary responsibility for teaching their children about religious beliefs and spiritual matters. However, a majority of parents don’t spend any time during a typical week discussing religious matters or studying religious materials with their children.” 6

· Bob Altemeyer and Bruce Hunsberger say, “Parents of those who kept the faith‟ emphasized religion twice as much as the parents of those who became apostates.” They continue to say, “We acquire our religion from our parents almost as certainly as we inherit the color of our eyes.” 7

· Swiss educator Johann Pestalozzi wrote, “The best way for a child to learn about God, is to know a real Christian. The best way for them to discover the power of prayers is to live with parents who pray and truly walk with God.” 8

· Mark DeVries, vice president of Youth Builders says, “It’s not the job of the church to be the only force behind students‟ spiritual formation. It is, and always has been, the role of parents.” 9

I’ll be honest with you—I found the studies and expert opinions hard to believe. Do teens really listen to mom and dad and want to have them involved with their lives? My co-author and I decided to put the research to the test (and I encourage you to do the same). We asked roughly 250 teens in our ministries some questions about parents. We asked, “If your parents gave you advice, how likely would you be to follow it?” Only 2 percent responded that they likely wouldn’t follow it. We asked them about praying with their parents—only 1 percent didn’t like praying with mom and dad. We asked them about reading the Bible with their parents—only 1 percent didn’t like that time, which means that 99 percent desire to maintain the same or a greater amount of time spent in Bible reading and prayer with their family. 10 We ended the survey by asking teens, “I wish my parents…” and allowed them to finish that statement. Responses included: “…would talk to me more.”

“…had time to talk and have fun together.” “…would give me advice.” “…read the Bible at dinnertime more.” “…talked more directly about God.”

Maybe the mountain of research is right; teens are listening. No wonder the Bible emphatically tells parents to teach their children: “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates” (Deut 6:7-9). Why would the Bible say to talk so often to your teens about spiritual things? It’s simple: because they are listening. Maybe Josh McDowell said it best: “Parents... carry more weight—for good or bad—than they give themselves credit for.” 11

Your teens are listening… so what are you saying?

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NOTES: 1. Wayne Rice and David Veerman, Understanding Your Teenager (Lakeside, CA: Understanding Your Teenager Books, 1999), 118. 2. Miriam Weinstein, The Surprising Power of Family Meals (Hanover, NH: Steerforth Press, 2005); quoted in Nancy Gibbs, “The Magic of the Family Meal,” TIME Magazine, June 04, 2006, available from http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1200760,00.html; Internet. 3. Nancy Gibbs, “The Magic of the Family Meal,” TIME Magazine, June 04, 2006, available from http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1200760,00.html; Internet. 4. Ibid. 5. “MTV And The Associated Press Release Landmark Study of Young People and Happiness,” Thinkmtv—Research, August 20, 2007, available from http://www.mtv.com/thinkmtv/research; Internet. 6. Barna Research Group, May 6, 2003; quoted in Current Thoughts and Trends 20 (July 2003): 21. 7. Bob Altemeyer and Bruce Hunsberger, Amazing Conversions (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 1997), 226. 8. Johann Pestalozzi; quoted in Barbara Joy Clark, How to have Amazing Kids-A Simple and Sensible Guide to Raising Children, 2007, available from http://www.guideyourchildren.com; Internet. 9. Mark DeVries, “The Role of Parents in Kids‟ Spiritual Formation,” Youth Worker Journal (March/April 2003), 22.

10. Surveys conducted July 2007 and November 2007. 11. Josh McDowell, The Last Christian Generation (Holiday, FL: Green Key Books, 2006), 60.

Parenting Wisdom From Surprising Sources

by Steve Wright

It's amazing where wisdom will sometimes choose to surface. Consider the following statement: "Studies have shown that parents are the primary influence on their children's choices and decisions... and that is why we're proud to offer help to parents. Recognizing that parents have the greatest influence on their children's decisions, the Family Talk program helps... by encouraging open, honest communication between parents and children."1 Makes perfect sense, right? Here's another: "Nearly three out of four parents believe their children's friends and classmates have the most influence... Yet contrary to what parents think, kids say mom and dad have the biggest impact on the choices they make."2 How about this one: "So you're between the ages of 13 and 24. What makes you happy? A worried, weary parent might imagine the answer to sound something like this: Sex, drugs,and a little rock ‘n' roll. Maybe some cash, or at least the car keys. Turns out the real answer is quite different. Spending time with family was the top answer to that open-ended question... Parents are seen as an overwhelmingly positive influence in the lives of most young people. Remarkably, nearly half of teens mention at least one of their parents as a hero."3 At this point you may be wondering where I found these quotes. Focus on the Family? American Family Research Council, maybe? How about the National Network of Youth Ministers? If you guessed any of those three you would be wrong. The first quote is from an Anheuser-Busch publication found on www.familytalkonline.com. The second is from www.MVParents.com, a website of the Coors Brewing Company. The third is from a study conducted by MTV and the Associated Press. Whether it's a Christian organization or a secular one, all the research points to the fact that parents are the primary influence of their children. Josh McDowell says it best, "Parents... carry more weight-for good or bad-than they give themselves credit for. How a child thinks and acts is still molded by his or her home life, which means the crumbling foundations of the faith among this generation is as much a parental problem as a church problem, if not more so. If we're going to reclaim the next generation, then the home and the church must join forces together like never before."4 Josh McDowell also reveals how the typical churched young person would answer the following question: "As a teenager, who or what is molding and shaping your attitudes and actions?' Seventy-eight percent of them say: ‘It's my parents.' Studies show that their parents have three times the influence over them than their pastor or youth group leader. Church is seventh on their list, carrying just as much influence as does their music."5 An extensive study of 272,400 teenagers conducted by USA Today Weekend Magazine found that 70 percent of teens identified their parents as the most important influence in their lives. 21 percent said that about their friends (peers), and only 8 percent named the media (TV shows). This study obviously contradicts cultural misconceptions that peers and media are the primary driving force for teens. Today's research supports what the Bible has said for thousands of years: parents have the most important place in their child's development. After the most in-depth research ever conducted on the spirituality of American teens, Christian Smith concluded in his book, Soul Searching, "The best way to get most youth more involved in and serious about their faith communities is to get their parents more involved in and serious about their faith communities. For decades in many religious traditions, the prevailing model of youth ministry has relied on pulling teens away from their parents. In some cases, youth ministers have come to see parents as adversaries. There is no doubt a time and place for unique teen settings and activities; still, our findings suggest that overall youth ministry would probably best be pursued in larger context of family ministry, that parents should be viewed as indispensable partners in the religious formation of youth."6 God started the first family and ordained it as the institution for not only reproduction but also for primary discipleship. Think of Deuteronomy 6:4-9: "Hear, O Israel: The Lord your God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." The practice of Orthodox Jews, who recite the Shema twice a day, magnifies the importance of this passage. Of all the great Old Testament passages concerning creation, faith, God's provisions, the coming Messiah, commandments, repentance and forgiveness, I am amazed that this was the passage that God impressed on them to repeat daily. In case we missed the importance the first time, the Lord repeated these same instructions to parents in Deuteronomy 11. All this repetition is more than coincidence; it's clear that the Shema is one of the most important passages in the Old Testament, as it instructs parents to disciple their children. Steve Farrar talks about the mandate in Deuteronomy 6 and other passages, saying, "There is no ‘new and improved' version to these commands. They have not been upgraded. They were perfect when they were given and they will be perfect for as long as men walk the earth...The job description is timeless."7 George Barna summarizes well a biblical understanding of parenting well, saying: "The responsibility for raising spiritual champions, according to the Bible, belongs to the parents. The spiritual nurture of children is supposed to take place in the home. Organizations and people from outside the home might support those efforts, but the responsibility is squarely laid at the feet of the family. This is not a job for specialists. It is a job for parents."8 Ross Campbell correctly says: "While organized religious instruction and activities in churches, Christian camps, and special youth clubs are extremely important to your developing child, nothing influences him more than his training at home. Parents cannot afford to leave spiritual training to other people."9 Whether it is the media, a beer company or secular researchers, it is impossible to deny the truth which was first in the Bible: parents are the primary influencers of their children. The scriptures are very pointed and very clear. There is no escape clause for parents. Biblical obedience requires our best effort because we as parents are the daily mentors that God intended our children to have. I hope the following scriptures inspire you as they have Tina and me. • Psalm 78:1-7: "My people, hear my instruction; listen to what I say. I will declare wise sayings; I will speak mysteries from the past-things we have heard and known and that our fathers have passed down to us. We must not hide them from our children, but must tell a future generation the praises of the Lord, His might, and the wonderful works He has performed. He established a testimony in Jacob and set up a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers to teach to their children so that a future generation-children yet to be born-might know. They were to rise and tell their children so that they might put their confidence in God and not forget God's works, but keep His commands." • Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, don't stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." • Proverbs 1:8-9: "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction, and don't reject your mothers teaching, for they will be a garland of grace on your head and a chain around your neck." • Malachi 4:6: "And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers." • Luke 1:17: "And he will go before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of fathers to their children." • Proverbs 22:6: "Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." • Psalm 127:1-4: "Unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain; unless the Lord watches over a city, the watchman stays alert in vain. In vain you get up early and stay up late, eating food earned by hard work; certainly He gives sleep to the one He loves. Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, children, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons born in one's youth." • Proverbs 4:1-11: "Listen, my sons, to a father's discipline, and pay attention so that you may gain understanding, for I am giving you good instruction. Don't abandon my teaching. When I was a son with my father, tender and precious to my mother, he taught me..." • Colossians 3:20-21: "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing in the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they won't become discouraged." • 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12: "As you know, like a father with his own children, we encouraged, comforted, and implored each one of you to walk worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory." In his sermon "The Estate of Marriage," Martin Luther reflected his convictions about the role of father and mother in these words: "Most certainly father and mother are apostles, bishops, and priests to their children, for it is they who make them acquainted with the Gospel. In short there is no greater or nobler authority on earth than that of parents over their children, for this authority is both spiritual and temporal."10 The Bible says it, research confirms it, and the media agrees: parents are primary. It seems that everyone understands that, everyone but parents. It is time for parents to stop selling themselves short and recognize that God has placed them in a position of unparalleled influence. It is time for parents to open up the Bible at home, pray with their children, talk about the faith, refuse to settle for distant relationships, and influence their children like no one else can. Our children are waiting. This article is an excerpt from the book entitled "> reThink. You can purchase this book by visiting www.inquest.org or calling 1-800-776-1893.

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1 Taken from: www.familytalkonline.com/docs/ AboutUs.htm 2 Taken from www.MVParents.com 3 Information taken from an article entitled "MTV and The Associated Press Release Landmark Study of Young People and Happiness" found at www.mtv.com/thinkmtv/research/ 4 Josh McDowell, The Last Christian Generation, (Holiday, FL: Green Key Books, 2006), pp.59-60. 5 Wayne Rice and David Veerman, Understanding Your Teenager, (Lakeside, CA, Understanding Your Teenager Books) p.118. 6 Christian Smith, Soul Searching, (Oxford University Press, 2005) p.267. 7Farrar, Steve. King Me: What Every Son Wants and Needs From His Father. (Chicago: Moody Publishers. 2005.) pp.20-21. 8George Barna, Revolutionary Parenting. (Carol Stream, Tyndale House Publishers. 2007) p.11-12. 9Campbell, Ross. Relational Parenting. (Chicago: Moody Press, 2000.) pp.136-137. 10 Strommen, Merton P. Passing on the Faith: A Radical new Model for Youth and Family Ministry. (Winona: Saint Mary's Press. 2000.) p.28.

 

Stopping the Dropouts By: Dr. Wesley Black

Many student ministers work hard to instill a committed, lifelong faith in their youth. But, then too often they are disappointed when those students graduate from high school and drop out of church participation. Why does this happen? What can we do about it? Parents of teenagers, along with collegiate and church ministry leaders are puzzled by this drop off in attendance when things looked so promising only a short time before.

Recent studies have shown that approximately two-thirds of those youth who were once active and faithful in church attendance drop out, at least for a period of time, after they graduate from high school. Finger-pointing and trial and error programming has not resulted in any noticeable change. What will it take to correct this glaring short-coming?

Over a century ago, there was a sincere hunger for spiritual renewal and vitality. In a tiny village in Wales, Pastor Joseph Jenkins had been concerned about a sense of weakness in his own preaching, and increasingly burdened by apathetic attitudes of the young people in his own church.

In a prayer meeting with his young people on Sunday February 14, 1904, Pastor Jenkins asked for testimonies of spiritual experiences. After a time of no responses, a young teenage girl named Florrie Evans, who had been saved just a few days earlier, stood and with a trembling voice said, “I love Jesus Christ - with all my heart.” Person after person soon begin to stand and pour out their hearts to Jesus. The news of the service spread throughout the area as young people testified in other churches. With these simple words, the fires of revival ignited the great Welsh Revival of 1904-05 and soon spread to the four corners of the world.

What would it take to move our students to be so committed to Jesus Christ? Recently, I have been conducting some studies to get at the heart of this problem and discovered several areas of influence that make a difference in whether or not a student remains faithful in church attendance after he or she graduates.

Here are some finding from those studies and suggestions for student ministers:

(1) Relationships – Student ministry must help adolescents in basic personal skills – how to meet and develop new friends, how to choose a church, how to make the transition to a new location, how to set priorities, and leading students to be influencers, not just responders.

(2) Discipleship – Youth ministry must do a better job of discipleship – teaching the basic, biblical concepts of Christianity, instilling a love and appreciation for intergenerational church relationships, building a personal commitment of faith in the lives of teenagers and helping adolescents internalize their faith.

(3) Meaningful Involvement - Student ministries need to spend some time in teaching youth how to select and get personally involved in a church that may be different from their home church. Provide opportunities for youth to lead in ministry.

(4) Family faith – several findings:

Moving teens toward adulthood – Parents must be equipped to understand the transition of their adolescent into young adulthood. Parents need help in blessing their adolescent and freeing them into the world of young adulthood.

Parenting style – Parents need help in adjusting their parenting style as their adolescent grows toward young adulthood. Parents need help in the transition of their role from “parent” to “adult friend” for their maturing adolescent.

Spiritual leaders in the home – This is a wake-up call for family ministry. The faithful attendance and perceived spiritual depth of parents is a major factor. We must give practical, in-depth guidance to parents in how to be spiritual leaders for their teens.

(5) Mentoring and intergeneration relationships – Churches and student ministries need to develop a mentoring program that matches spiritually strong adults (in addition to parents) with adolescents. An effective peer ministry program could also be helpful. These significant adults and peers can help in the transition to young adulthood.

(6) Scope of student ministry – There appears to be a gap between high school graduation and young adulthood and no one is attending to the gap. Someone needs to be the lead voice in mobilizing the resources of churches and families for the purpose of nurturing adolescents as they step over the gap into young adulthood.

I have developed a scale for measuring the potential for whether or not a student will drop out following high school. This can be useful to student ministers to know if they are on track in guiding their students toward a faith that will last beyond high school. The Lasting Faith Scale is available free of charge online at www.lastingfaithscale.com. When we read about God’s moving in great awakenings and revivals around the world, we notice one startling, common point – most awakenings and revivals were started by youth. But the role that culture portrays of youth today is very different. The image that today’s culture paints for youth is one of self-satisfaction, unbridled thrill-seeking, and delay of any responsibility.

It’s a time to “sow the wild oats” while you are young. In my study of why teens drop out after high school, more than a few said something like, “Well, they’re supposed to drop out! Don’t’ worry, they’ll grow up and come back to church when they get a little older.” The sad fact is that many are not coming back to church and many lives are being wasted by this ungodly attitude. Could it be that God is holding back revival until we do a better job of preparing students for their role of leadership? Could revival be stifled because of our failure to equip and motivate families to lead their young to step up and declare their love for Jesus Christ? Could God be waiting until this generation of students remains faithful in their love of Jesus Christ “with all my heart?”

Wesley Black is professor of student ministry and associate dean for PhD studies at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, Fort Worth, Texas. He and his wife Sandi work with the ministry with parents of teenagers in their church.